World's First Pregnant Man

I feel compelled to comment with regards to a story that seems to have engulfed the media of late concerning the pregnancy of a trans-gender called Thomas Beatie.

Being a father of three beautiful children I think I am qualified to reply to Thomas Beatie’s statement that says “It's not a male or female desire to have a child. It's a human desire,"

While this may be true and accurate it was my wife Belinda that conceived, nurtured and carried each of our children for the term of her pregnancy. It was also my wife who gave birth to each of our children, and here lies the problem, my wife has the reproductive organs that allow her to become pregnant and carry a child to term as a male I do not have the necessary organs to conceive or give birth to a child.

While I can sympathise with the plight of trans-gender people and not at all wanting to denigrate them in any way, a woman having her breasts surgically removed does not make her any less of a woman or a mother and further taking testosterone to cause her to become more masculine in appearance does not make her a man or a father.

I can honestly say at no time during any of Belinda’s pregnancies, did I feel a was missing out on one of life’s great moments because I was a man and biologically unable to carry our unborn child. After all I was there at conception and would be there for at birth. Sure there many nights I would fall asleep with my hand gently resting on Belinda’s beautiful baby bump, knowing there was another heart beating in the bed with us... a life we had both helped to create. I massaged her back when she had back aches ,rubbed her feet when her feet were swollen, made here cups of tea and even drove across twelve suburbs one Friday night to get here favourite food that she had craving. But not for one second did I have even the slightest desire to physically carry any of our children for the term of a pregnancy that’s the unique role of a mother.

So this got me thinking about what it is that makes a father and what it is that makes a mother. Having been a parent now for 13 years and specifically a father to my children, there are defiantly roles in parenting that are better suited to men as are the aspects that come more naturally to women. This is not to say one is more important than the other, or that each role can’t be adapted to either parent. I am sure there are many single parents both male and female who can confirm this to be the case. To these single parent I have the utmost respect and admiration for them... parenting is hard enough (at times) when there are two people involved let alone having to take on the role of being both mother and father to your children.

I know there have been countless times in this journey of parenthood were Belinda’s maternal instincts have allowed her to see things that well, basically as a father and a man, I failed to see. Things that are unique about being a mother, the nurturing and protection that a child longs for when they are ill or have stubbed a toe while out playing. Sure men can be the one to nurture in those times but it's the mothers seem so much more self sacrificing and is willing to sit up all night to nurse an ill child, etc. Likewise there are times I see things as a male and a father that are unique to being a father.

My eldest son has just entered his teenage years and my second son is not that far behind. I know this time is where I need to stand tall for my sons, puberty, adolescence and finally manhood is the journey we are on now. This is a precarious time in this modern world we live in, they need me to help them navigate their way through these waters. Sadly so many fathers today want to neglect this role and prefer to be a friend to their son’s, one who is always liked, always the cool dad who lets them do whatever they want.

I remember being told a story by my hairdresser (he’s a man by the way) that encapsulates the father-son relationship really well. When my hairdresser was 18 he brought a hotted up Nissan that went super fast ~ the kind you buy when you’re 6 ft tall and bullet proof. He took it home to show his dad however upon showing him he discovered that his father was disappointed. Disappointed for a reasons but one being because his son had purchased his first car without him. His father had hoped he could have gone with him ~ you know sort of a father and son thing.

His father tried to keep his disappointment from showing and asked for the keys so he could take it for a ‘spin’. During his drive thoughts ran through his mind, he had to deal with a number of things, firstly there was the joy of seeing his son walk independently and his new found freedom - something he had been trying to instil since he was a child. In the same moment he felt grief. Grief because this was a moment he thought they would share together. Plus frustration because his son had chosen a 'hotted up Nissan'. The father had to make a decision, would he get out of the car and say, “ Well done son, what a beast of a machine you have bought. You’re going to be popular with your friends. Here’s fifty bucks go fill her up!” Or, would it now be his time to be the self-sacrificing parent and step up to the role of being the father. Would he make the hard decision and risk be disliked by his son and put up with the silence and tension at home for a while? Upon returning from his quick ride his dad got out of the car and said, “Sell it!” The son replied, “But why?” To which his father replied, “Because I said I would help you buy a car, not a coffin!”

My hairdresser told me that after this he didn’t speak to his dad for 6 months. He said that, at the time, he hated him for the decision he had made. However with hindsight being 20/20 and he now being a 27 year old man, he confidently confesses that his father did the right thing. He knows that in that car, at that age, he would have killed himself or worse…..someone else.

In that moment my hairdressers father made a decision that would change their relationship forever. These two men they went from being close to being alienated and at odds with each other. There was tension when they were together and tension, as we all know, has the ability to affect other relationships within the family unit.

Why did his father make such a decision? It’s simple really. He was a son once and so he knew how his son thought, he made the tough decision because he had been where his son was. He knew the mind of a boy becoming a man. Like most fathers he had been at his sons conception and birth, he had watched his son grow and he knew that it he needed to step up to the plate and sacrifice and be the father his son needed ... he did it because he loved his son and needed to protect him.

I’ll leave the fathers with this question, what choice would you of made? Sometimes being a father means sacrificing our own feelings and desires for the good of the next generation... our children. Sometimes we need to operate from the father’s heart and perspective, which only becomes real when a boy becomes a man and a man becomes a father.

By the way my hairdresser and father have a great relationship now.

Mark